"I'll Give You a Million"

Season One, Episode 2

Original Airdate: October 7, 1984

Directed by John Harrison.

Teleplay by Mark Durand and David Spiel, Story by John Harrison.

Starring Keenan Wynn (Duncan Williams), George Petrie (Jack Blaine), Michael Freeman (Richards), Bradley Fisher (The Devil).

SYNOPSIS: Duncan Williams and Jack Blaine are two filthy rich silver foxes who delight in inflicting misery upon their fellow man. Seeing an interesting direction to take their usual betting habits, Duncan proposes to offer a cool million for his partner's eternal soul. Blaine at first sees it as a simple jest, but after signing the dotted line he begins to feel uneasy about the sale. As well he should, because Blaine is not long for this world...

CRITIQUE: So nice to see a familiar face popping up in the Darkside. Keenan Wynn, unforgettable to fans of genre TV for his turns as Captain Joe 'Mad Dog' Siska from KOLCHAK: THE NIGHT STALKER and the memorable growl of the Winter Warlock from SANTA CLAUS IS COMIN' TO TOWN (1970), is here essaying the part of the Monopoly guy Duncan Williams. His usual bursts of explosive fury--save for one moment where he answers the phone with a demure "HELLO?!"--are traded in for a more subdued performance where he's allowed to show a quieter form of evil.

My favorite exchange is when Petrie, literally at the end of his rope after receiving news of assured death by liver failure from his doctor, beseeches Wynn to keep the money and relinquish his contract, telling Wynn that he can enjoy the million more than Petrie can now. Wynn just smiles at him from under the brim of his dandy gardening hat and whispers, "I'm enjoying this immensely."

"I'll Give You a Million" further perpetuates the notion TFTD established with "Trick or Treat" that the absolute worst kind of person is an old, rich bastard. We're first introduced to the duo during an afternoon limo drive as they regale each other with anecdotes of their heartlessness. They casually talk of business and riches they've acquired with the help of "sex, bribery, and homicide" and refer to their exhibitions of humiliating and terminating underlings as "public executions". They have become emotionally numb by their vast wealth; the only way they can really get anything out of life that they haven't already is instigating suffering in others and wagering thousands of dollars on shots during a pool game.

When Duncan wheedles Jack about the staged suicide of a competitor that he was involved in, Jack seems mildly ashamed and looks to brush over the subject. But it's clear from the get-go that these are both equally devious men, and even the casual viewer will already sense that these two characters are being set up at the end of the lane in preparation for the cosmic bowling ball that's heading their way.

The episode seems like something of a "gentleman's club" tale, a sordid account narrated over a snifter of whiskey next to a roaring fire as the fellows of the group listen in with morbid interest to that dreadful business of ol' Blaine and Williams. "But what happened to them?" one of the younger, fresh-faced aristocrats might ask. "Well," the narrator would hesistate. "No one can be entirely sure. The common assumption is that..." And here he might laugh to repress a shudder.  "Well, it really is the damnedest thing."

The narrator wouldn't be too far off, as damnation is surely what awaits the bastards. Because the episode diverts from its previously subdued path straight into comic book territory at the climax by way of "The Monkey's Paw." Williams is alone in his huge, dark house as a thunderstorm rages outside, the news that Petrie has indeed died placing a grim weight upon his heart. What exactly does that entail for Williams, the official owner of his late friend's everlasting soul?

He finds out soon enough, for right at the front door is Blaine, or what remains of him. The ashy corpse (which looks from its appearance that the death was from a fall into an industrial size cheese grater) holds its neon-bright spirit in a glass case, offering it to Williams so that "He" might not come in time to take it away first.

This is a nice high point for the episode, recalling the similarily garish horrors that were on display in "Trick or Treat." There's a bit of recall to CREEPSHOW in there too, as William's sweaty mania and shooting of the green-hued revenant reminds one of Leslie Nielsen's useless fight against the waterlogged zombies in "Something to Tide You Over."

Random Observation: At one point Duncan muses during the stormy night "Next thing you know the lights will go off" only for the lights to flicker ominously. I was honestly hoping that after that Wynn would look around and then mutter under his breath, "Next thing you know I'll be in a Bangkok harem."

Williams had chastised his friend earlier for "reminiscing about Sunday school", so it's too bad that he doesn't get to see the mysterious "He" that Blaine was warning him about before he collapses dead straight from a heart attack. For it is here that Dave Vanian of The Damned the dark angel Satan himself enters, looking all decked out for a night at the local brimstone cabaret. It's another nice touch, the goopy cadaver one-upped by the vision of Lucifer in tails. He coos in a multi-layered vocal track ala Linda Blair before claiming both of the dead men's souls to take back with him to the goth night club down below.

And with a final flair of fireworks straight from the mind of Al Feldstein, Satan sears the words "PAID IN FULL" into Duncan's chest. Because like our two unfortunate businessmen, the Devil has to get his kicks somehow.

"Never listen to quacks, Jack!"

***

RATING: 3 Lizzies

 

COMING UP: Farley Granger offers bitter medicine in "Pain Killer."

"Trick or Treat"

Original Airdate: October 29, 1983

Directed by Bob Balaban.

Written by George A. Romero.

Starring Barnard Hughes (Gideon Hackles), Joe Ponazecki (Atticus Kimble), Knowl Johnson (Billy Kimble), Eddie Jones (Victor Muldoon), Patrick Wilcox (Timothy Muldoon), Frances Chaney (Witch), Ed French (Devil).

SYNOPSIS: Gideon Hackles is the resident miser of the farming community he lives in, holding the villagers in a steel grip of debt. As part of an annual Halloween tradition, Hackles gives the local children the opportunity to track down the bundle of IOUs he has hidden in his spookhouse-rigged estate. If any one of the children can claim the bundle, then all their families’ debts shall be relieved. But Gideon guarantees that his prop ghosts and ghouls scare the kiddies away before they can sniff the prize out… that is until he receives a surprise visit from a very real witch intent on meting out some justice.

CRITIQUE: As far as first impressions are concerned, TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE could hardly have made a better one than this episode that premiered a few days before Halloween 1983. “Trick or Treat” is a simple campfire tale, but it is executed with such finesse and a palpable sense of fun that it’s impossible not to enjoy it.

Gideon Hackles is the archetype of the miserable old skinflint incarnate, all nastiness and spite with nary a shred of compassion to be found in him. This is the kind of arch villain who would earn the hearty hisses of an audience attending a classic melodrama. Watching him laugh hysterically at terrified children certainly makes him an easy target for disdain! The part is played with a real relish by Barnard Hughes (in a far cry from his turn as the kooky but lovable grandfather from THE LOST BOYS [1987]) that allows Hackles to become the villain that we love to hate, the kind of character whose punishment acts as a cathartic release for the viewer.

In many ways “Trick or Treat” acts as a Halloween-appropriated version of A Christmas Carol. Both stories deal with a heartless man who receives a supernatural intervention in the midst of holiday festivities. The difference here is that the express purpose of the witch’s arrival is not to redeem Hackles, as was the mission of the three Ghosts of Christmas, but to punish him. While Scrooge’s change of ways works well in promoting the hope and love that are the emotional trademarks of the Christmas season, Hackles’ judgment represents the darker aspects of All Hallow’s Eve perfectly: damning and terrifying. It seems ironic to note as well that Scrooge, who detested Christmas with a passion, got off a hell of lot easier than Hackles, who adores the mischief-making of the Halloween season. And whereas Dickens' story begins with a stave noting the demise of one character, Romero caps his with a baleful graveside inscription:

HERE LIES GIDEN HACKLES

A BUSINESSMAN. HE TOOK IT WITH HIM WHEN HE LEFT.

Though the story itself is unassuming in its emulation of the classic Comeuppance Tale, it still has small touches of artistic flair. When we first see Hackles, for instance, he is balancing his books with two bankers, a visor casting an emerald shade over his eyes. Right from the start Hackles’ obsession with money is made clear: he sees everything through a greedy, green veneer. The sight of him grinning impishly as he grasps a devilish pitchfork  almost overdoes it, but it’s too sugary-sweet to resist. Hackles may be an archetype, but he is a fully-realized archetype, with Romero providing him with some choice dialogue that complements his outward appearance and shows us the depth of his insatiable hunger. This is perfectly captured when Hackles sees a father hugging his traumatized son and, sneering, he spits “Backwards. People in this valley have it all backwards.”

Hackles not only finds compassion distasteful, but he views the families of the village as a lower breed to himself. He claims that they are slaves to their own circumstances, such as the failure of their crops during a given season, and that they create their own misfortunes. (Man, some things never go out of fashion!) The irony here is that Hackles doesn’t realize that he himself is a slave, except in his case he harvests currency, jewelry, and property collaterals. When the witch lays siege on his house, blowing his personal treasures all about, his instinctive reaction is not to run away in terror but to pathetically clutch at his money. He doesn’t even realize that he has literally stumbled through the very gates of Hell as he madly grasps at the billowing bills.

Even after he gazes into the hissing face of the Devil himself (who, in true E. C. Comics fashion, coos “You’re getting warmer…” just as Hackles had done to the visiting children searching for their prize), Hackles crawls after the money further into the Pit. So the master of fear and intimidation now finds himself on his knees before the Lord of Fear, a towering figure that smirks at him as the old man boorishly collects his harvest. When Hackles’ riches fall into the hands of young Billy at the end of the episode, we can almost hear him voice Tiny Tim’s famous line, except given the context of this story it would probably be more to the tune of “Satan bless us, everyone!”

Hackles’ scavenger hunt resurrects the thrill of the carnival haunted house, with the poor children groping in darkness as all manner of ghouls and ghosts leap out at them from the shadows. Hackles jeers at them from his hidden alcove, cackling through an amplifier like another famous humbug, the Great Wizard of Oz.

Though these sights are meant to kindle a sense of fear, they possess a charming, nostalgic quality to them that is in fitting with Halloween. The witch emits a laugh that could give Margaret Hamilton a run for her money, and a rather silly wooing sound effect is used to accentuate her ascent on her broom. The vision of Hell is equally effective and attractive in its own way, as the whole business is accomplished with the use of a red lamp, a fog machine, and walls covered in what appears to be bubble-wrap. This particular aspect of the episode demonstrates the series’ ingenuity and shows what could be accomplished with a solid sense of know-how.

DARKSIDE's pilot is all treat and no trick, and one that fans should indulge in every All Hallow’s season.

"It's Halloween, gentlemen! Halloween! Have you forgotten? My favorite season."

***

RATING: 4 Lizzies

COMING UP: Vic Tayback reconsiders the positives of vasectomy in “The New Man.”